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(Inner Critic Series, Part 3)

In the first part of this series, we explored the more obvious forms of negative self-talk: the clear inner dialogue that uses words.

In Part 2, we looked at how the inner critic can also appear in subtle and/or physical ways: a tendency to sigh at yourself, holding your breath, or feeling tightness in your stomach and chest. These sensations whisper that you’re “not doing well”, “too weak,” or “not good enough” even when that isn’t true.

But beneath both of these layers lies something quieter and harder to detect: the hidden root. This is the core belief we hold about ourselves. The false but powerful message that we were led to believe is true about our identity.

This is the layer of the inner critic that doesn’t sound like a voice at all. It feels like truth.
It isn’t the thought that says, “I messed up and that’s okay.” It doesn’t give you context or allow for mistakes. It’s the one that quietly insists:

“I am not enough.”
“I am bad.”
“I am undeserving.”

These beliefs can form very early and sometimes even before we have words to understand them. Our bodies can hold onto negative messaging long before our mind can name it. They often develop in environments where love felt unpredictable or unavailable, where safety felt uncertain, or emotional warmth was missing.

When love is conditional, or comfort, forgiveness, and protection are inconsistent or withheld, especially in childhood, we absorb invisible false lessons:

• Love must be earned or deserved.
• My needs are too much or not valid.
• Maybe I am the reason for the hurt around me.

These messages don’t stay as passing thoughts, they become identity.
They root themselves deep in the body and the nervous system. You believe them to be truth. (They are absolutely not by the way).

As an adult, you build a life around that hidden center. The core belief becomes so ingrained that it’s not even conscious thought anymore. It feels like who you are.

Though you may not realize it, you might find yourself constantly proving worth, trying to earn safety, or seeking the solid ground that was never modeled or given. Or sometimes, you do the opposite and give up entirely, sinking into hopelessness and despair. 

All-or-Nothing thinking sets in further. You don’t evolve to develop more adult like coping mechanisms, but you can.

Part of this comes from how the trauma brain becomes wired over time. The trauma brain is no longer able to tell the difference between past and present.¹ The emotional memories of danger replay in real time, making old messages feel true now.

This deeper layer of the inner critic doesn’t use words. It can manifest through behaviors, emotions, and choices. It can be accompanied by a sense of wrongness about yourself. Some signs can include:

Here we’re talking about extremes and patterns of behavior that we can’t let go or don’t always notice.

Humans are social beings who crave healthy connection. When early experiences teach us rejection or unpredictability, we may protect ourselves by withdrawing: “If I don’t connect, I can’t be hurt.” The inner critic becomes the guardrail of that learned self-protection.

These inner critic beliefs were learned. You were not born with them. They were absorbed, not chosen. And what is learned can be rewired for your original predisposition.

When you begin to shift how you see yourself in a compassionate way, even slightly, the world around you begins to shift too.

You start to notice that people aren’t always rejecting you: they’re simply human. You realize that not every setback proves your worthlessness: it’s just life unfolding.

You also start owning your decisions more, start to build self-trust and resiliency. You learn to handle your choices and feelings. And when you do make mistakes, you own those and you can grow from them, not sit in regret.

Rewiring deep beliefs takes gentle repetition. If you need a starting point to help interrupt the old narratives, I created a free Phrase Bank with neutral, safer language you can use to start building new pathways.

Sometimes, healing starts with tiny repetitions that slowly teach your nervous system something new and with different beliefs:

“Maybe I am safe now.”
“Maybe I can rest.”
“Maybe I am not broken.”

These phrases can also help regulate your nervous system over time. The old core beliefs keep your body in fight-or-flight. Softening them creates new experiences of safety.

If you feel anxious, numb or dissociated while trying this, it’s okay. This is partly related to change in itself. There is always resistance to change and your defenses can go up but they’re just still trying to protect you.

The other part of this, is that you are changing your root core belief and that can be difficult, so your defenses go up. Your system is adjusting. 

Try to ground gently:

• Keep your bare feet on the floor.
• Take slower exhales and tell yourself: “I”, “You”, or “Your Name” “am just reassociating with safety.”
• Notice tension in your body and breathe light into those areas.
• Picture yourself observing a calmer version of you. You don’t have to be that version yet, just witness it kindly.
• Alternately, you can try to observe the “scared” version of you and try to reassure that part.

Think of this just like learning anything else. It’s not always smooth and it can be messy, but that’s okay.

Think of when you learned to ride a bike or when you first learned to write and hold a pencil. This will take practice to build and consistency helps. Even little bits of it. 

And sometimes we do the work anyway, when we can, and even if we can’t feel it yet. Just because you don’t see progress it doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

Healing the root inner critic takes time, consistency, and patience. After all, it did develop early on. But know that you are already on your healing journey. You don’t need to force positivity. Just try to stay curious, try to notice it and try to soften it.

• Try to start using compassion phrases or others that resonate with you: Try telling yourself, “I’m learning to see myself differently,” or “I’m allowed to believe this might change.” (You can also use “You” or “Your Name”. Sometimes this creates less resistance)
• No Judgment: It’s okay if you don’t feel progress right away.
• Start Neutral: If healing phrases feel too far, use neutral phrases like “I exist” or “I’m just reading words”, “It’s okay to start something new.”
• Trust Invisible Growth: Even small, unseen changes are still growth.

Instead of trying to stop it, try working with it or finding a new role for it. There are many theories on addressing the the inner critic. For me, the most healing has come from seeing the critic as a very wounded part: a child version that carried too much for too long and is very tired.

Try to convey to this part that “things will be ok” and meet it with compassion:

“You did your best. You can rest now. We’ll work together differently from here.”

You can tell this part you’re here now to help it. It will always have a place. 

It doesn’t have to be perfect. It can even be non-verbal and taking a few minutes to notice tension or practicing a soft smile or taking yourself out of a slouched position. 

Find a compassionate response for what you are going through. Healing CPTSD is about rebuilding self-trust, self-compassion, and resilience. And in CPTSD this can be little by little by little, and this is okay too.

Remember: just because you were made to believe you’re weak doesn’t mean you are.
You have power.

Warmly,
Allie C. | CalmFire™

When you’re triggered, finding the right words can be hard.
I created a free Phrase Bank with specific phrases for safety, neutrality, compassion, belonging, and personal power. Use it as a gentle anchor back to the present.

Recommended: Inner Critic Pt 1. and Inner Critic Pt 2
Recommended External Reading: You can learn more about how trauma affects the brain on Bessel Van Der Kolk’s Resources section.

Note: I’m not a licensed professional. I’m sharing from my own healing journey and these are tools that have helped me personally. Please give yourself and others space and patience along the way. This blog is for support, not a substitute for professional care. If you are in crisis, call 911 or your local emergency number.

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