Jump to: Why it Can Feel Scary · A Different Perspective: Calm Joy · Reorienting Your Nervous System Step-by-Step · Reorienting Your Nervous System: How This Works · How This Applies in Trauma

I wanted to take the opportunity this week to write about something a little different.

There is a lot of focus on anxiety, depression, dissociation, hypervigilance, and the list goes on in CPTSD. There’s a lot of talk about trauma histories, why we have certain responses, how to calm them, and how to interpret them.

All of this is important because it can help us to understand what is happening in our bodies and our minds. Knowing why we’re having the reactions that we do is an important first step. Knowing how to deal with them is as well. Knowing about the nervous system, theories, and the science, is foundational.

However, sometimes we also need to be led somewhere.

We spend so much time analyzing the darkness and seriousness that we can forget healing isn’t just about stopping the pain. It’s also about making room for something else. We need to let in a little more light and hope.

So this week I wanted to talk about long forgotten emotion: joy. For now, we’ll focus a little spark of joy, and finding something to go towards instead of away from. If the thought of joy is too big right now, it’s okay. These are your defenses and we’ll get into that.

I know, especially with complex trauma, this is easier said than done. It can be uncomfortable or scary to even try to think of a way of reorienting your nervous system to accept it, but it can be used as a tool in recovery.

To meet you where you’re at, I’d like to mention that joy does not always have to be loud and intense. It can also be a tiny little spark, or leaving a small space for it to exist. If you do have room for more, you can lean into that too. If the word “joy” feels too big right now, try replacing it with “calm” or “comfort.”

If finding those words feels hard, you can start with neutral. You don’t have to force positive feelings. If you need a safer starting point, I created a free Phrase Bank with neutral, grounding words to help you build a foundation of safety first.

With complex trauma, even joy can be terrifying. In CPTSD, the case is usually that early on, our bodies have learned to associate joy with pain, which humans naturally want to avoid. The avoidance of pain becomes extreme in complex trauma because the hurt was so strong. All these weird connections between safety, joy, regulation, and pain are formed.

Have you ever experienced this? The moment you start to experience some sort of joy or happiness:

• Something in you shuts down?
• Things get really serious?
• You feel suddenly numb?
• You “know” you’re not “supposed to” feel this way?
• You have a feeling like you know the other shoe is about to drop?

These are signs of early complex trauma. (By the way, they feel like truth, but aren’t).

But also, our bodies and survival parts of the brain have learned early on that when something “good” or positive happens, our world quickly becomes destroyed.

We’re all born primed for love and connection. But when this is met with frequent rejection, the younger self learns that goodness, warmth, and openness are met with rejection and chaos. Different paths are formed. Trying anything new or being open suddenly becomes equated with danger.

We end up not wanting to risk this again because it is so deep at its core that we push it away. The system believes that staying closed is how to stay safe. It’s just another example of the body doing its best to protect in the moment, the way it knows how.

It is sad and it’s okay to grieve this with compassion. That will be part of the process too (more on this in another post).

So maybe a way to approach it is this: viewing joy as also another “part” of you. There’s a lot of talk of “parts work” in healing complex trauma. But the focus tends to be on wounded parts, hurt parts, and guards.

But for me, I like to view Joy as a “Part” too.

Joy is an extremely patient part that sits quietly knowing other more wounded parts need to be seen. It isn’t demanding and isn’t trying to force anything. 

My take is that it deserves some time to be seen too: both for the present you and the younger self. You can think of it as a gentle resource or a steady friend offering other parts simple reassurance like: “I’m here too. It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere”. 

This gentle relationship with joy can be one of the gentlest ways to begin reorienting your nervous system toward regulation instead of fear.

In the beginning, it may be more helpful to start small and move at a speed that feels good for you. Sometimes it may be really really small and that’s enough.

Here’s a simple practice for reorienting your nervous system using a joy without overwhelm.

Keep some part of you open somewhere. Often, when we try something new, even if it’s helpful, we go in thinking: “This won’t work,” “My trauma is too big,” or “I’m not gonna feel it.”

When this happens, you’re priming your brain to filter out the help. You’re telling yourself to “ignore” what comes next and fight against it before it even starts. You’ve decided already that it won’t work.

Even if it feels like it ‘didn’t work,’ you are still doing something kind for yourself in the moment. You don’t need to believe it or feel it 100% right away. You are simply signaling to your body: ‘I am doing this, even if I can’t feel it yet.'”

It doesn’t need to be something big. But if you do find a bigger moment, feel free to lean into it. Take a few seconds and think of small, tiny moments of joy you’ve had. If this is too hard, maybe something in the present or in the future.

Here are some tiny examples:

• A soft smile.
• A warmth of comfort in your chest.
• Enjoying a piece of chocolate.
• A small bowl of warm soup or smooth ice cream on a comfy couch.

These can actually be things that you do, or they can be imagined if that feels safer. The body will still connect with it. 

Gentle Note  If your mind goes blank here or gets anxious, that is okay. It’s the trauma lens. Your system has done a very good job of protecting you the way it knows how. Just trying to look for one is enough for today.

Once you find a moment, try to stay with it. Even if just for 10 seconds. In trauma, we tend to rush past the good and start immediately scanning for danger. Instead, see if you can stay here and linger for just a tiny bit. (Please don’t time yourself though, because that takes you out of the moment; this just serves as a guideline).

• If you’re noticing a calm uplifting warmth in your chest, sit with it.
• If you are eating the chocolate, focus in on the sweetness, the texture.
• If it’s the soup or tea, the feeling of warmth, the soothing texture of the couch.

Let yourself know that you are giving yourself this moment right now. Even if it is sitting and being, even for the tiniest little bit.

If the physical acts feel too hard or far away right now, that’s okay. It’s just your defenses and your body being tired from everything that’s going on. You can still process it on some level.

You can try this: Picture another version of yourself doing this for you, even if it’s twice removed, even smiling for you. Picture that version enjoying some moment, drinking the soup, or any other activity you’d think you could enjoy if you could. 

If you’re still having trouble or are feeling anxious ask yourself:
What would I want to want?

This can still affect the neural paths but with less pressure and some distance.

Why does this simple practice work? Have you ever heard of neuroplasticity?

Very simply put, it’s your brain’s ability to change itself. It’s the foundation for reorienting your nervous system.

Think of your brain as a muscle: it grows and strengthens when used in certain ways.When you practice something new, you create actual physical changes in the brain. You can form new neural pathways and synaptic connections.

Your brain can find new ways to deal and cope. This is even true for non-trauma contexts but very much applies to CPTSD.

There is currently a “Trauma Path” which is flat and smooth because it has been walked a thousand times. Next to it, there is a path of joy but it hasn’t been traveled quite as much. The grass is tall and you can barely see it.

Every time you engage in a small practice (a soft smile, noticing warmth), you are cutting away at the grass and making the new path clearer and easier to travel. Eventually, the grass grows back in the old path that we don’t need anymore.

Here, the goal is to help reorient your nervous system for safety instead of danger. It doesn’t mean we’re not prepared for situations if they may arise, but it does put you in a more regulated state where not everything is danger. It can reignite the areas that feel unsafe, like connection and so on.

It can be a little strange at first and this is normal. Your defenses may flare up as you’re trying new things. It’s still trying to protect you.

Eventually, though, it becomes a new cycle. Every little step you take for yourself, even in these small moments, are ways you can reorient your nervous system and they add up.

Imagine how much space the darkness takes up right now; we’re just making more space for regulation to happen. New roots start to develop and keep getting reinforced.

It can be a very powerful, grounding, and important step into breaking the trauma loops and re-entering a regulated state. It can help you start to re-build the sense of trust in yourself.

The initial fear comes from the past. But eventually, it quietly becomes a fear of the self: a fear of flashbacks, of intense feelings, or “pushback” from your own system., Allie. C.

Again, this is still protection. Let’s use this as an opportunity to reassure the system. This can be an introduction to all sorts of parts too: the Happy ones, the Patient ones, the Curious ones, the goofy ones.

Not all healing or rewiring comes from therapy and big moments. A lot of it comes from the daily decisions and habits you put into place. These get easier over time.

With so much darkness around from the past and in CPTSD, let’s take a moment to shine the light just a tiny bit and let it grow little by little.

If you feel comfortable, what is one small spark of joy you noticed or imagined today? You are welcome to share in the comments, or just hold it for yourself.

Warmly,
Allie C. | CalmFire™

When you’re triggered, finding the right words can be hard.
I created a free Phrase Bank with specific phrases for safety, neutrality, compassion, belonging, and personal power. Use it as a gentle anchor back to the present.

Read Next: Learn how and why these messages develop in the Inner Critic Series:: Part 1 Obvious Negative Self Talk Examples. This can offer another take on ways to help reorient your nervous system.

If you’d like to learn more about how neuroplasticity can help in reorienting your nervous system check out thisPost from the Cleveland Clinic

Note: I’m not a licensed professional. I’m sharing from my own healing journey and these are tools that have helped me personally. Please give yourself and others space and patience along the way. This blog is for support, not a substitute for professional care. If you are in crisis, call 911 or your local emergency number.

Rules for Comments:
1. No graphic, detailed descriptions of trauma
2. No triggering, violent, or graphic language
3. Share feelings and thoughts
4. If you are in crisis, please reach out to a professional or emergency support
5. Be compassionate with each other