Jump to: Negative Self Talk Examples · Why These Thoughts Matter · The Harsh Voice & The Not-So-Neutral Voice · How Would A Close Person Talk To you · How to Start Changing Negative Self Talk · From Awareness to Change

Recognizing negative self talk examples is the first step toward changing how you speak to yourself. There are different ways in which we speak negatively to ourselves. Part 1 of 3 examines the loudest and most obvious voice.

We all have an inner voice. Sometimes it’s neutral, like when we’re thinking random thoughts throughout the day or mentally making a to-do list.

Even those can bring a bit of anxiety, but here we’re focusing on the words themselves.

Our inner voice can be kind and try to reassure us:
“It’ll be okay.”
“You can do this.”
“It’s just one step at a time.”

But it can also be harsh. This is what we often call negative self talk.

Here are a few negative self talk examples many people repeat without even noticing:

• “You’ll never get it right.”
• “You always mess things up.”
• “I should be doing better.”
• “Everyone else has it figured out.”
• “Why can’t I do this?”

These thoughts may seem small, but they add up. The negative self-talk examples listed above, create an environment inside your mind that feel unsafe and critical.

The goal of this series is to notice and begin changing these internal messages.

Everyone encounters the harsher inner voice at times, some more than others. One reason we encounter these thoughts is simply that humans are hard wired this way¹.

It’s self protective: scan for what’s going wrong so you can pre-emptively take action and guard against it. The problem is it doesn’t really work in our modern day world anymore. Especially, in our daily lives.

When we focus in on these messages, we also reinforce them.

Researchers at Queen’s University estimate we have around 6,200 thoughts per day. That number may not be exact, but we know it’s a lot. And that’s only counting the ones we remember.

Our minds are busy places, and even when we think we’re not thinking, we often are.

Let’s start looking at two types of negative self talk examples:

Think about what happens when we repeat those messages every day. Picture a parent or a friend saying, “You can’t do anything right”. “You’re a failure.”

Even hearing that once would bring anyone down. Yet, that’s what a lot of us do. We say these things to ourselves everyday, several times a day, and reinforce these messages.

This can be a real person, but it can also be an imagined person. Someone who would be there for you… The mind is more powerful than we believe and getting used to picturing kindness can be a helpful tool.

Imagine a best friend came to you saying they couldn’t get anything done or felt they were failing. What would you want to say?

Maybe something like:

• “You’re being too hard on yourself”
• “I know this is hard”
• Maybe even: “I am here for you”

That’s the tone we rarely use with ourselves. You might be much harsher on yourself than you realize. Sometimes it’s obvious. Sometimes it’s buried and more subtle like, wondering why healing isn’t happening, what’s wrong with you, or why it’s taking so long.

Those thoughts are often hidden self-blame. And yes, it can feel awkward or even “silly” to change how you talk to yourself at first, but it matters.

The more you practice, the more you learn to be kind to yourself and the more your brain and body learn they are safe.

You’ll be surprised to notice that you may have more tolerance for others as well and notice that they too are just human.

You don’t have to silence every negative thought. You just need to begin noticing when the harsh voice shows up and start making small shifts.

Step 1: Pause and Name It²

When you catch a critical voice, quietly say to yourself, “This my inner critic.”
This voice often comes from self-protection. It learned to be harsh after receiving harshness. But it’s gotten too big and into Black-and-White thinking. It’s shutting you down entirely.

Try to see the inner critic as a part of you that’s trying to help, even if it learned some unhelpful ways. When you recognize this, you can start to transform it into something gentler and more supportive over time. It’s like a guard on alert trying to get you to notice so it can be reassured.

Step 2: Breathe with a Slower Exhale

Take one calm breath, letting the exhale last a little longer than the inhale. This helps your nervous system move toward calm and tells your body that you are safe in this moment.

Step 3: Add “Thank You” and a Softer Phrase

There are a lot of takes and some suggest trying a more agressive approach². For me, I try to see the inner critic as someone still very wounded that needs help.

Try acknowledging your inner critic saying, “Thank you.” and “It’s okay now.”
Then follow with a small, compassionate reframed statement like:

• “I’m learning.”
• “I’m doing my best.”
• “I’m safe now.”
• “I can start again.”
• “It’s okay to feel anxious?”
• “Things take time.”

For Not-So-Neutral you can try:

• “I can decide later.”
• “I am not perfect and that’s ok.”
• “I own my choices”.
• “It might be uncomfortable but I can learn and grow from my mistakes.”
• “Thanks (inner critic) but I can handle this” or “Let’s work together”
  I like this one because you are taking control and building even more self-trust which leads the inner critic to calm down.

These small moments of self-kindness begin to rewrite your inner dialogue. You’re also learning to own your feelings and your thoughts.

Over time, you’ll start to readjust your thinking patterns and notice more space between a harsh thought and your reaction. That space is where self-compassion takes root.

You’ll start noticing these negative self talk examples in different ways and continue to reframe them, over and over. The goal isn’t perfection but progress and gentle change. Sometimes we don’t realize it but we’re still little kids on the inside: we expect things to happen and change right away.

Tell this inner frustrated child that change can take time and it’s ok.

Every time you respond with a little more patience or understanding, you’re building new pathways for calm and confidence.

You can stay the same person and still have things begin to change.
Take a step back. Start noticing the tone of your inner little changes and watch them switch to bigger shifts.

Over time, this practice helps you face challenges differently and respond to life with more adaptability. And when you start being kinder to yourself, even in small ways, you’ll often find more patience and grace for others too.

Little changes matter.

Warmly,
Allie C. | CalmFire™

When you’re triggered, finding the right words can be hard.
I created a free Phrase Bank with specific phrases for safety, neutrality, compassion, belonging, and personal power. Use it as a gentle anchor back to the present.

Recommended Next: The Inner Critical Voice Pt 2.: The Subtle Non-Verbal Layer
1. To learn more about negativity bias click here.
2. There is a lot of writings on the inner critic and naming it. If you’re looking for one more trauma based, Pete Walker discusses it as well. I personally prefer to be gentle with the inner critic.

Note: I’m not a licensed professional. I’m sharing from my own healing journey and these are tools that have helped me personally. Please give yourself and others space and patience along the way. This blog is for support, not a substitute for professional care. If you are in crisis, call 911 or your local emergency number.

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